Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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