When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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