Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
