My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
