Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and she was petting her beer can
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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