90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
