I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
