The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
