I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
