Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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