My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
