I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
