Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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