I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
