Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
