I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
