What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
