There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
