Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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