a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
