first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize