I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
