I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
