I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
