I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
