there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
