Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
His nipple licking is glorious
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