did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
