i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
