You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
