She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
