I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
