I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
