Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
