Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
