I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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