do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
