New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize