my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
