My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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