Little spoons don't ask big questions
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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