I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
