Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
