Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
