He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
