I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
