She went from zero to smokin in five shots
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm like, not good at living.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
