What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
