I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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