Kareoke will never be a sober sport
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize