mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
