I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize