i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
