you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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