Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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