Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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