oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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