My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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