Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
